In my counselling experience, I have observed four things that really affect relationships negatively: they are
- comparrogance (negative pride)
- Using the word “WHY!”
It all starts with selfishness. The problem is that the way we are designed, we are selfish by nature. We can only know what our senses tell us and we can only know it in our own brain. So, our perspective is inherently based in our own selves. To get out of ourselves requires work. Jesus’ desire for us to “love others” is not natural.
Flowing from our selfishness is our “will”. We want what we want, and when we don’t get what we want we feel anger. I define anger as “The emotional response to the blocking of your will.”
When your selfish will is blocked you feel angry. Now some people say that anger is a good thing because it helps create change. But, if the anger is based on your selfish desires, I would argue that it is not desirable.
When this selfish anger is connected to negative pride (comparrogance), then the result is really starting to become destructive. When you compare what is going on with your value system and arrogantly feel that you are right and the other person is wrong, then your anger becomes infused with arrogance. This sense of superiority combined with anger is lethal.
Which leads to WHY? When you believe you are right, the natural thing do is to ask others why they are doing what they are doing. This is called “The Blame Frame.” Here is a quick summary of why “why” is not helpful:
- Why only looks backwards – why did (past tense)
- Why causes the person to justify (must explain)
- But, there is no justification because the asker thinks you are wrong before the question is asked
- So, why creates blame (you are wrong), pain, guilt and shame
- It also shifts responsibility to the person being asked: why did “you”
- When held intolerantly, it creates spiritual and physical death.
Put these four elements together and you have what it takes to destroy a relationship. When your selfish will is blocked and your ensuing anger is embedded in your belief that you are right, then you attack with the blaming WHY and the other person is placed in a position of direspect and humiliation.
What is the solution?
- Be sensitive to more than just your own thoughts and feelings.
- When your “will” is blocked – change your will. There are always 10 other ways for doing anything.
- Comparrogance is based in comparing – don’t compare.
- Use the word “HOW”.
Try this approach and see how it makes a difference.